Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
