So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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