i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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