How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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