foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
