She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
