remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
