chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
