so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
bring money and cleavage
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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