I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dick has a subreddit
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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