you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
is wine microwaveable?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
