Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
