I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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