My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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