I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
