my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
