she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
