She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
