It's chlamydia! Thank God!
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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