you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
