Pants 0. Shit 1.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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