Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
