I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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