Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
