On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
