sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
