i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
