I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
