my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
