he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
