I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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