just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
