matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
