Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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