I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
