he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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