Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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