I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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