I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
