so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize