yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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