How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
