Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Pants are for mortals
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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