I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
