I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
