K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
