My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
