Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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