I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
