So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
