Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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