youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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