just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
