apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
