I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
