you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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