Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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