Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Someone came in the potted fern
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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