Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
sarcasm needs its own font
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Im part way to drunk.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
