I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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