theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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