Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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